Looking at myself now as a 22 year old mother of one, living in a rented house with my partner of 4 years I could never of imagined my life panning out the way it has.
At 17 my wish was to go to drama school and graduate into a job within stage and musicals. I would own my own home and I’d always be in work. I would wake up in the morning and ponder over what I wanted for breakfast in my lavish white kitchen I’d had bespokely designed along with the rest of my house and garden. I didn’t want maids and butlers but I wanted a life where I could eat out if I wanted to and buy new clothes when I pleased.
I wanted a life of ease.
I wanted to get married to a man I couldn’t imagine my life without and we would never, ever argue. It would be all romantic nights in with cuddles on the sofa. We would eventually have children and they’d be perfect little darlings with perfect little features. They would even sleep through the night(!)
I’d grow old in the house I’d created and me and my family would have lots of adventures and holidays on the way. We would never want for nothing.
Now I look back at my teenage dreams at laugh at the perfection I once imagined . My life is far from perfect and very very far from how I dreamt it to be.
I’d never imagined myself to become a ‘young’ mum. I never went to uni or drama school. I never saved enough money for a deposit for a house to buy and the man I live with is a complete turd (still love him).
I don’t get to ponder over breakfast, its usually a slice of toast or a piece of fruit quickly grabbed before work. I nine times out of ten only eat half of it because a small devil child eats the other half.
I don’t walk round with grace and poise. I walk round half dazed from my lack of sleep. Sometimes I walk round in discomfort to later discover a piece of lego in my shoe or a Batman toy in my bra.
On the rare occasions I get the day to myself or to spend with friends I don’t go shopping for the things I want, I go for the things I need. I spend my £20 ‘me’ money on more toys and I buy yet more clothes for my baby. I have my nails done and feel guilty because I could of used the money on important things.
At 17 I didn’t expect future me to have my mood controlled by medication and need help through CBT. I now can get so anxious about life im physically sick even when there is nothing to worry about. I can get so down about life I’m seconds away from crisis and ive been through things no woman should have to ever go through.
Life is no way how I expected it to be.
But as a whole, life is good.
I have a home. I have a family. I have food to eat. I can afford to clothe myself, my partner and my son and we can treat ourselves occasionally too.
We’re in no debt and we can afford little get aways.
The best mornings are the ones when I’m greeted at 6.30AM to a screach of laughter or the ones where I’m being kicked in the head by two tiny feet. Morning where we come downstairs and eat biscuits for breakfast and cuddle together on the sofa.
The best days can be those that start awful but end with cuddles and hugs to wipe the tears away.
The best times can come from the worst.
Life is not the way I expected it to be but I’d never change it.
We learn from the turmoil that we call life and sometimes even the things we expect to be able to contol are way out of our hands. I’ve lost things and I’ve also gained things.
17 year old me had no idea how difficult and cruel life could be but she also had no idea how FANTASTIC it could be either.