If I could only explain that I’m not trying to kill you I’m only trying to brush your teeth. If I could explain to you that if you stopped twisting into impossible positions and sat still it would all be over.

If I could only only explain to you, as I pull you from under the cafe tables, that I just don’t want you to get food poisoning from eating the day old chicken nuggets you are chopping away at. I’d promise you that the meal on the table in front of you is much nicer and isn’t cold.

If I could only explain daddy will come home from work. He is only joking when he says he’s going getting milk from the shop and he’ll see you in 18 years. I’d tell you he wasn’t really angry at Mummy, that sometimes this is just the way things happen and that grown ups shout at each other. I’d promise you that I wouldn’t really ‘kill’ him for leaving boxers on the bedroom floor for the millionth time and that we do love each other.

If I could only explain, as you run over jump on me and sit on my head, it wasn’t you I swore at so loudly. It was the fact I’d just cracked my head on the marble fire place and thought I had concussion. I’d tell you that I love you too but there’s much softer and less threatening ways to hug someone .

If I could only explain that I am not prising you off the other children in the play centre to ruin your fun but that you’re much, much bigger than the average one year old and sometimes other children don’t show the same enthusiasm for bodily contact. I’d show you how to hold hands nicely and walk slowly down the road without dragging your friend along. I’d tell you that sometimes some people just dont want to play.

If I could only explain that it’s not really my fault you’re tired as you scream when I try and cuddle you in bed. If only you’d had a nap at a reasonable time and not skipped it like you insisted and instead fallen asleep as you ate your tea. I’d promise you that you can play in the morning and that your Peppa Pig house will still be there as you left it. I’d resist the erge I had to remove Danny dogs head from down the toilet and to take Candy cat out of your oven. I’d let you play your games as you wanted and not as they’re supposed to be.

If I could only explain in the middle of the night as you wrap your legs round mine that I only want a little space. Sometimes I don’t want your elbow in my stomach or your foot in my face.  Sometimes I’d like you to sleep in your cot and give me some space even though I’d miss your cuddles or hearing your whimpers as you sleep.

If I could only explain that sometimes I don’t want to get up at 6 as you pull my hair to wake me. I didn’t go to bed at 7 like you. I tided and cleaned your mess away from the day and I got things ready for the day ahead and all the trouble you’d probably cause. I’d tell you once we were down stairs that I’m not really ignoring you, I’m just not really awake and not quite ready to have teacups shoved in my face.

If I could only explain that sometimes mummy is tired. Some days I can try to be great and grand but sometimes all I can be is okay. I will try and get us out we won’t just sit and watch telly or walk to the shop. I would tell you that no matter what, I love you and always will and that tomorrow will be a better day.

 

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