1. No only half of the time actually means no. The rest of the time it means yes. Mainly when your toddler is under your feet whilst you’re trying to cook demanding you let them into the cleaning cupboard to get the dustpan and brush. You say no but the wining makes you quickly change the no to a yes. Surely they cant do any damage with that? Wrong. They can actually cause major damage to the wall at the bottom of your stairs and cause half of the plaster to crumble away. That is one of the many occasions when no should mean no.
  2. Never ever ever wear white, or cream, pale pink, or pale blue. In fact just live in black or navy. Though even your dark clothing wont hide the shit your child has just done down your leg.
  3. You can survive on little or next to no sleep. You go through a 20 hour labour after 9 months of pregnancy of which neither you really slept. They then place a sleep daemon in your arms. Kiss goodbye to your Sunday morning lie ins and hello to the next however many years of Peppa-bloody-pig. Mix that in with night feeds, teething and night terrors and you can just about survive on 20 cold cups of coffee a day.
  4. You can make a meal from nothing. Yes Jacks plate is filled with the bottom freezer draw, but, so what? There’s vegetables in his veggy fingers, protein in his turkey dinosaurs and didn’t you know that a small tin of spaghetti hoops counts as one of your 5 a day?
  5. You have very little tolerance for other mums. Yes everyone is entitled to there own ways but if you don’t pick your crying child up soon my boobs are going to burst.
  6. Some people will hate the way you parent. The same way you hate the ways they parent. Breastfeeding, formula feeding, co-sleeping, CIO, someone will hate it and someone always will.
  7. Mess usually means fun. Toys all over the living room? Paint your hair? Mud all over their boots? Its messy but it usually means the kids are having fun. There is plenty of time to have a clean and tidy house when they’ve moved out. For now though, enjoy the mess because as weird as it sounds one day you’ll miss it.
  8. You’re lucky. Having children is the most magical thing you can think of and some people aren’t that fortunate. So yes, there will be times you wish your kid would just bugger off for 10 minutes, but maybe use that ten minutes and think of those that wish they had what you do.
  9. Breathe before you act. 15 eggs on the the kitchen tiles is never a laughing matter, but he was only trying to copy you cooking. Breathe, think and clean up together. Yelling will on cause tears and surely tears will only make a bigger mess.
  10. Most importantly I have learnt  no matter how dark and terrible things are or how lonely you feel they will always love you and you’ll never be alone.

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